Cili Pedis
1. All children are angels. Some are fallen and the others are not or not yet.
2. Her size would make her an object of envy for any hippopotamus in the Congo River.
3. Once she accidentally dropped a loaf of bread she baked on her toes and was
subsequently admitted to an orthopaedic hospital.
4. Women are generally experts on fuzzy logic.
5. He does have a photographic memory, with all the films exposed.
6. The two ladies could not hear each other? The noise level of the market was that
high?
7. She is such a perfectionist in housekeeping that her toilet can be used anytime as
an operating theater.
8. To call some people fools is to pay them compliment.
9. He is so gifted with the power of fantasy. No wonder he calls himself an optimist.
10. If it by beholding one becomes changed then he must be blind.
11. Many think that their biographies should be entitled "The History of The World."
12. Surrounded by his creditors the patient breathed his last with a smile.
13. When she is around any room seems fully occupied.
14. The amount of his knowledge is not encyclopedic but the length of his speech
definitely is.
15. He is a very wise man. He always took my advice..
16. There is a mathematical breakthrough. Those students have just revised the
multiplication table.
17. He is guilty of murder. He has been slaughtering the English language.
18. We must not let the incredible behaviour of her children robs her of her credential
as an expert in child psychology.
19. Admittedly piety is necessary for holding church office. But is it sufficient?
20. All those gadgets confuse me. What is the difference between a handphone, a remote
control and a calculator?
21. Her dressing makes her look like a well-decorated Christmas tree.
22. There goes one with the waist of a bear and half the number of legs of an elephant.
23. Many children would be able to sleep better at night if they do not sleep so much
in class.
24. The student claimed that he was often late because the bus kept on arriving too
early at the bus stop.
25. The student said that he was late because his bus driver overslept.
26. Those mortals claim that they constitute the only cartel for salvation!
27. I do take some pride in the fact that I have never been proud of my humility.
28. Being a firm believer in spontaneity, flexibility, creativity and especially
providence of divinity he disdains advance planning of any sort.
29. The dietician is going to deliver a lecture on "Proper Diet and Health" to the
starving refugees.
30. The debate should prove to be interesting. Both debaters have read the book "How
to Win in A Debate."
31. This concert gave everyone an unforgettable evening.
32. His book "How to Be Rich" does not sell well. He is still poor.
33. He blames his misfortune on the miss-information given him by his fortune teller.
34. Looking into the mirror he can see it clearly reflected from the bare patch on his
head.
35. I noticed that some in the congregation never closed their eyes during prayer.
36. He is rich, witty and has an enormous appetite. In short, he is a jackpot, a
crackpot and a rice pot.
37. So this is what you learn from that cooking class. From whom did your instructor
learn her skill, I wonder?
38. Care to join us for dinner? We can certainly spare a seat for you.
39. The cook will prepare the best dishes or the worst dishes to suit the guests. s.
40. She rated that school very highly and the teachers there rated her children very
highly too. It is a case of a mutual compliment. They badly needed each other's
support.
41. Even the deaf can recognize that voice miles away.
42. Do not be discouraged even if you are well advanced in age. Who knows, you
may be a late developer.
43. Some lectures are the best cure known to medical science for insomnia. No drug
is needed and without undesirable side-effect too.
44. His talk ended longtime ago but he is still speaking.
45. Look at the girls the mathematician is with! He must indeed be a man who loves figures.
46. The chairman takes a look at the committee members around him and announces,
"Let us pray."
47. She is an example of what one would call a good design, by Mother Nature of course.
48. Strange, all my neighbours advised me to drop my voice training. They gave reasons
which are all for my good.
49. The organist will not be performing today because something has apparently gone
wrong with her organ.
50. What a hectic day in the office! Both the computer and the computer operators were
attacked by viruses.
51. When the boss gave a speech, even if it was a lengthy one, none dozed.
52. He expressed himself with considerable freedom, unhampered by any rule of spelling,
grammar and logic.
53. He is allergic to excellence, addicted to mediocrity and achieves inferiority.
54. If all normal children are active, curious and vocal then this child is
exceptionally normal.
55. I did not realize how thin I had become until my colleagues started telling me,
"Have not seen much of you lately.'
56. As soon as possible my lawyer will inform me how seriously I was supposed to be
injured.
57. He claims that he has invented a luminous sundial which can be read even in the
darkest night.
58. When she went home with her new hairdo, her own dog barked at her.
59. He is so anaemic that even the bedbugs pass him by.
60. Try harder. With just a little bit less effort you can easily become the laziest
student in your class.
61. The boss' only son is voted by all the employees as the one who is most likely to
succeed.
62. She is an ideal patient for any dentist. She always finds it difficult to keep her
mouth shut.
63. "Even if you are on the brink of death, I will pull you right through. I will get
you out of the hospital one way or another.", says the surgeon.
64. Even if I were to wear a genuine Rolex watch, people would swear that it is only a
very good imitation.
65. To convert him is like converting a hard-boiled egg into an omelet.
66. Her dress and makeup are not-too-subtle attempts to recapture an elusive youth
which has long since gone.
67. He looks as if he has just been rescued from a school of hungry piranhas.
68. Someone has just delivered a painful blow on his most vital software with some
kind of hardware.
69. It is mind-boggling to think that such fantastic software can reside in the brain
of such an emaciated piece of hardware.
70. This is an inescapable conclusion
Even if we do not know him for long:
That the last bath he ever took
Was on the day when he was born.
71. His body is such a popular meeting place for all kinds of parasites, germs,
viruses and whatnot.
72. Every one of these people is a thriving and mobile insectivorium.
73. The minimum qualification for passing this test is to be a moron.
74. His secretary is still seductive and productive but no more reproductive.
75. She is unattractive, inattentive and assertive.
76. There is so much oil on her kitchen floor that she should seriously consider
applying for membership in OPEC.
77. He is merely outstandingly average and not even averagely outstanding.
78. Is infertility an inheritable trait?
79. Every time his mouth was opened it brought disgrace upon its owner.
80. I thought he was speaking an exotic language. But it turned out to be English.
81. He owed so much to so many that when he fell ill the local temples were packed.
82. At a time like this he has the gut to be a coward.
83. They have an amicable way of managing their finances. She has the voices and he
has the invoices.
84. Her mood is never affected by the seasons. She is consistently morose during
spring, summer, autumn and winter.
85. He succeeded quite well in pulling backwards the frontier of human knowledge.
86. The cholesterol level in his blood was so high that once a dog which bit him died
of heart failure.
87. The coldness of their welcome was more than made up for by the warmth of their
farewell.
88. I once read a book which describes many effective ways of improving one's memory,
but I can remember neither its author, title, contents nor where I got it from.
89. They carried on a heated dialogue by having each of them concentrating on her own
monologue.
90. Anyone who can discover the million dollars which I am supposed to have is welcome
to keep it.
91. The mother and daughter are as similar to each other as a double bass to a violin.
92. If ever he were to faint, one way to revive him is to wave a ten-dollar banknote in
front of his nose, vigorously of course. A check will do just as well.
93. If the patient does not have a second heart attack when presented with the bill he
is definitely fit to be discharged.
94. Look at the varieties of makeup women used it is a wonder that not more of them
won the Nobel prize for Chemistry.
95. He is bald, bored and boring.
96. Always remember never to use the words "always" and "never".
97. She is a blessing without any disguise.
98. Since the nurse was seductive the patient did not require any sedative.
99. I never learned the value of money because my father never gave me enough
learning material.
100. She was not punctual because her car tyre had a puncture.
101. In a maternity hospital every day is labour day.
102. Both of them were so thin that bus conductors allowed them to buy only one ticket
if they promised to squeeze a bit.
103. He is a pathetic slave of his wealth and not the sovereign owner of it.
104. We are kin without kindred spirit.
105. They lived happily but unfortunately they met and married each other.
106. He was not belligerent enough to be a sergeant and not intelligent enough to be
a surgeon.
107. If a beard is a sign of wisdom why is it that the "Theory of Relativity" was not
written by a goat?
108. His lengthy speech is like a cavernous hall in which is echoed and reechoed the
wisdom of many others.
109. She is constantly plagued by premenstrual, menstrual and postmenstrual discomforts.
110. It is a pity that her sweet tooth is not accompanied by a sweet personality.
111. His flatulence has increased greatly in frequency, loudness, obnoxiousness,
volume of emission and permanency of effect. He is like a grounded jet airliner
whose pilot has forgotten to switch off the engine. He should be sued for
polluting the Earth's atmosphere.
112. If you want expert opinions on how to bring up children, consult people who never
have children. They seem to know so much.
113. He has been sick so often that he is now a highly qualified medical adviser.
114. The only exercises he did everyday were chewing and talking.
115. The article on how to fight insomnia is very boring. Only one or two pages are
enough to drive any reader to sleep.
116. He slept so much that death to him must be an anticlimax.
117. He does not push people around. He pulls people along.
118. In this restaurant, ample time is given between dishes for the customers to digest
their food.
119. No, I do not play golf. My eyesight is so poor that I cannot even hit the great
ball I am standing on.
120. She recovered from her illness but both her physical and financial assets were
considerably reduced.
121. I can live only once? Thank heaven!
122. They say that I have senility. What is that? I do not remember that word.
123. That friendly dog specializes in painting visitors' faces with its warm saliva
and signing its presence on their clothing with its wet paws.
124. I can swear that whenever I am here the sensitivity of my nose is greatly
enhanced.
125. Only people who never kept dogs say that hairs cannot grow on wood.
126. Somehow she gives the unmistakable impression that she loves the music of her own
voice and appreciates the benefit of her own presence.
127. It will not be easy for her to find another man who is so receptive to her
counsels and so submissive to her tender loving cares.
128. All fishmongers should form a computer network and call it 'fishnet'. All
hairdressers should do likewise and call theirs 'hairnet'.
129. Short of a major surgery, it is impossible for my seatmate to give me more space.
130. She drove but her husband spun the steering wheel.
131. The speaker is trying to be more profound than he needs to, or is capable of.
132. These students added new dimensions to the meaning of the word 'stupidity'.
133. That poor man! His wife threatens to cancel her petition for divorce.
134. He cleans up a bank, you say. Is he a bank robber, a janitor or a bank president?
135. I wish he will plug that leak on his brain. He is so forgetful.
136. I am proud of you because you have learned to be as humble as I am.
137. He is so proud of himself that he feels he has no need for any flattery.
138. I am extremely moderate and my partner is only moderately extreme.
139. Watch out, she has a very low boiling point.
140. She is a woman of considerable influence, and size.
141. She is a woman of considerable asset in more way than one.
142. The fire of the barbecue pit was so strong that I needed not shave for the rest
of the weeks.
143. If beauty is only skin deep then she certainly has very thick skin.
144. The speech was so boring that even the speaker himself almost fell asleep.
145. He is the best person to write a book entitled "How to Lose Friends and Alienate
People".
146. These buns you baked would come in handy as powerful missiles if any burglar
were unfortunate enough to intrude.
147. The very act of rinsing his mouth will cause pollution of the city's sewage system.
148. He is so inarticulate that even his mother tongue is a second language to him.
149. To those who do not understand that language she seems to speak it with great ease.
150. The technique of the accused is so deplorably inferior that he can never be a threat
to society. Therefore, this court has decided to dismiss the charge against him of
printing counterfeit currency.
151. Pity the widow. Now she has to find someone else to nag.
152. The bus shook so much that at the end of the journey I was quite free from
dandruff.
153. Anyone with his personality belongs to an endangered species in the commercial
world.
154. It does not take a bloodhound to detect his presence before he is seen.
155. Her enlistment into our nursing staff will considerably lengthen the recovery time
of our male patients. It is therefore highly recommended by the business manager
of the hospital.
156. If only the speaker were to speak louder than the whispering and murmuring going
around, we would be able to hear him better.
157. She has a pair of enticing lips behind which lies a very sweet tongue.
158. She is highly respected in the firm. She carries a lot of weight, both on and
below her shoulders.
159. His hairstyle unfailingly reminds everyone of the map of the Mediterranean Sea.
160. With his meagre income he manages to support himself, one wife, two children,
three gold fish and a canary.
161. Can you double the content but half the length of your speech?
162. He has an immunity system as strong as that of a carrion-eating vultures.
163. The performer is both amateurish and immature.
164. If everyone has a voice like that the microphone would never have been invented.
165. If this is already his best then he is not the best.
166. She is very critical. Once she even accused someone for hanging a Japanese flag
upside down.
167. May our beloved deceased rest in peace till we meet again.
168. My wife and I have quite diverse tastes. We are even in love with different
persons.
169. Whenever she was absent, the office seemed to be so cavernous.
170. Even if this is not his worse he is already the worst.
171. The natives are very friendly, especially the hordes of indigenous mosquitoes.
172. The hall for the party was decorated with many colourful containers of bad breath.
173. He is fair and square, especially square.
174. You should buy this medicine. It comes with an impressive list of your favourite
symptoms.
175. The aspiring violinist played with the musical sense as well as the persistence
of a mule.
176. The supervisor of the study period is given the official title of 'Assistant in
Directed Study'.
177. The university is so prestigious that even its dropouts find it easier to get jobs.
178. His cooking is so poor that even flies avoid it.
179. There are three degrees of amnesia in ascending order of seriousness: forgetting
to switch off the light, forgetting to flush the toilet, forgetting to use the toilet.
180. There are three degrees of amnesia in ascending order of seriousness: forgetting
to pull the zipper up, forgetting to pull the zipper down, forgetting that there is
a zipper.
181. Every photograph of him looks like a caricature.
182. The price of this commodity will be remembered long after its usefulness is gone.
183. He has skin as thick as the hide of a rhinoceros.
184. My denture is so real that it can even give me a toothache.
185. If the winter jacket is on for too long the wearer may suffer from heat-stroke.
186. You may ask a pregnant woman whether she has put on weight. You may not ask any
woman who has put on weight whether she is pregnant.
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187. The treatment was both intensive and expensive. His blood pressure and saving
were both reduced considerably.
188. She is attractive but not enough to be distractive.
189. Her unfortunate demise left a huge chasm in our hearts and in the office space.
190. Darling, you deserve something better than this outfit. Your delicate beauty
requires something more modest and less ostentatious.
191. So you are happily married. What about your husband?
192. I am a school teacher and not a brain specialist. I am more interested in finding
out why some human brains don't function.
193. I am not a timber merchant but I do deal with timber every day. I am a teacher.
194. I am so absent-minded that I play treasure-hunt with myself every day.
195. I am so unseaworthy that I can get seasick even in a bathtub.
196. Sign in a delivery room: "Push! Push! Push!" Sign in a dentist's office: "Pull!
Pull! Pull!"
197. She is beautiful but not attractive. He is loaded but not rich.
198. She is quite capable of selling sand to the Bedouins or freezers to the Eskimos.
199. My foot is as flat as a pancake but definitely not as delicious.
200. She has developed auto-immunity! You mean she can't even get along with herself?
201. The formula of this powerful explosive is unavailable. So is its inventor.
202. She automatically assumes leadership in any situation.
203. This torrential rain reminds me that I have forgotten to water my garden.
204. I am badly in need of a vacation after such a long holiday trip with my family
members.
205. He is much poorer because his wife tried to make ends meet by patronizing
all the sales.
206. I look younger and all women also look younger if I am not wearing spectacles.
207. In this income tax office painkillers are on sale next to the payment counter.
208. My wife looked at the woman's merchandise and I looked at the women.
209. His firework of last-minute showmanship was indeed spectacular. It was
eye-catching enough for the foul-ups to be overlooked and forgiven.
210. His funeral is a golden and last opportunity for the children of the deceased to
make up for any past deficiency of filial piety to him. Besides, it can do nothing
but good for the public image of such an illustrious family.
211. The teacher expressed her displeasure that I should look sullen when reprimanded.
So, during the next encounter I attempted a few sweet smiles. And she exploded.
212. You mean that there were women before the invention of telephone?
213. Oh, darling! I was having such a sweet dream about you and you had to choose
that moment to wake me up.
214. There must be a rational explanation of his irrational behaviour.
215. He has a negative IQ.
216. He was so romantic that he even proposed to a nurse while he was being carried
into an ambulance.
217. Have mouth. Will converse. With or without a designated topic.
218. The pills are supposed to improve one's memory. But there were days when I forgot
to take them.
219. The dentist prescribed painkillers twice. Once during the extraction and once when
I paid my bill.
220. This Mexican antique was made in Japan and it came with a certificate that attests
to its authenticity.
221. If there is a Nobel price for stupidity, you deserve it.
222. Every worker who gives up her coffee breaks for one month in this office should be
entitled to a paid holiday of one week.
223. The fact that even those who know her for years do not know her age proves that
she is a woman who can keep secret.
224. In filling the application form, any woman above thirty is allowed a maximum
ten percent discount on her actual age.
225. They laugh at their boss'jokes even before he tells them.
226. His mind is so fresh that it is as good as new.
227. The villagers are so anaemic that all the mosquitoes in the village have died
of malnutrition.
228. With her absence quietness descends on us, as if all other living creatures have
suddenly become extinct.
229. Every customer is given equal treatment, a rude one.
230. These are called advanced courses because they must be paid for in advance.
231. Doctor, you mean there is nothing wrong with my wife? You mean all her
complaints and groans have gone to waste?
232. What the pupil needs is brain transplant or gene therapy or something of that
nature.
233. He lived a very restrained and temperate life. They just celebrated his 1OOth
birthday. How? What for?
234. So long as she is still alive medical science will never run out of new topic
for research.
235. She is either an over-aged youngster or an under-aged adult.
236. I will go to any of the four-corners of this spherical world to look for you.
237. A visit to her home is not unlike a visit to a dentist, very necessary but by no
means pleasurable.
238. From her rich personal experience she should have written a book entitled "A
Compendium of Medical Symptoms".
239. Love of flattery is definitely not one of the cardinal vices of our guest of
honour. Therefore, I shall not say a single good thing about him.
240. The vice-president is not vicious and his affair with his secretary is not a secret.
241. With this rain and the leaking roof the hotel guests found it unnecessary to ask
for another pot of coffee.
242. In those farms you have a wide choice of creatures, both vertebrates and
invertebrates, to sleep with.
243. The entomologist has such a phenomenal memory for faces that she could identify
every individual bug in her garden and call it by name.
244. Any woman who marries him has to be farsighted. But unfortunately one day she
will grow older and become nearsighted.
245. Pity the donkey which has to carry her. It will surely suffer from backache for
days to come.
246. See, the Siberian husky is taking his master for a walk.
247. I couldn't be more surprised even if Miss Universe were to propose to me.
248. She sprayed so much insecticide on the poor cockroach that it was drowned
rather than poisoned.
249. To teach them is like pouring water on the backs of ducks.
250. Please give me a warning if you start taking these slimming pills. I'll remember
not to switch on the fan.
251. This sundry shop sells everything, from cradles to coffins.
252. If these students were to leave this school, where can they go? The same can be
asked about their teachers.
253. There is no place like home, where there are no warmth and companionship.
254. I used to think that my neighbour was a furniture maker. Only later did I
discover that he was actually a drummer.
255. That was the song which his wife and he heard when they first met. It always
brought tears to his eyes.
256. We need a very powerful mainframe to store all her words.
257. The surgeon is so unsure of himself that he demands everyone of his patients to pay
him in advance.
258. She would definitely prefer hell to heaven. She is happiest when there are plenty
of things to complain about.
259. It is so cold there that the natives even store their ice-cream in their stoves.
260. The weather here is so hot. Do we need to cook our food?
261. The food is so poorly prepared that even flies avoid it.
262. He is so filthy that even lice left him en masse, vowing never to return.
263. We must be careful if he shows the least sign of being honest. He must have
something up in his sleeve.
264. Will capital punishment be an effective deterrent to suicide?
265. He was so unsociable that he did not even attend his own funeral. His body was
never found.
266. This user-friendly product even comes with a manual that helps its users to
understand how to use its users' manual.
267. He is quite an expert in giving injection. He has been practising that since his
teen.
268. He was not promoted but we are sure that he benefited greatly in trying so hard to
achieve that worthwhile goal.
269. What a fortunate coincidence! You have chosen a dress that blends perfectly into
my new tablecloth.
270. You must like that dress very much. You wore it so often.
271. The cavern in one of my molars is so huge that I can hear echoes every time I talk.
272. The diamond is accompanied by a certificate of authenticity which is in turn
certified by another certificate of authenticity.
273. The lambs carry human genes in their cells. They do not cry "ma...". Instead,
they cry "mammy...".
274. Since my wife bought a freezer she frequently served warm-up mummified food.
275. Mrs. Smith, I am afraid that conversation cannot be considered a form of physical
exercise.
276. Who is this Mr. Auld Lang Syne who is supposed to sing the farewell song?
277. If she is smarter than I she would not have the stupid idea that she is smarter
than I.
278. He is so docile that he is stilled being ordered about by his former mother-in-law.
279. He opted to teach farming so that he could have summer and winter vacations
every year.
280. Knowing very well that there is no organic connection between my nervous system
and his, the surgeon assures me that the operation will be entirely painless.
281. Once a lawyer asked his aspiring son-in-law, "Do you hereby solemnly swear that
you will love my daughter, only my daughter and nobody else but my daughter?"
282. He takes rules to be exceptions and makes exceptions rules.
283. If so many places are closed during holidays what is the purpose of having
holidays?
284. The dental deformity gives the salesman an unfair advantage. He has a face with
a perpetual smile.
285. The old couples are very shy and timid by nature. That explains why their only
child is still an infant.
286. Every year I bought the same number of candles for my wife's birthday cake.
She didn't seem to mind.
287. The two dishes are named "Tragedy" and "Comedy".
288. In this town the wet market is really wet and its flea market has real fleas.
289. The currency has such poor printing and its paper quality is so inferior that it
is worth less than its counterfeit.
290. Her looks is her best defence and her personalty her best offence.
291. The quantity of sweets which she takes does not seem to have much effect
upon her temperament.
292. Looking at all the girls he dated we can't help but believe that beauty is indeed
in the eye of the beholder.
293. I trust that you will be leaving the hospital very soon, either vertically or
horizontally.
294. The matron noticed that whenever the pretty nurse was on duty, the male patients
unfailingly have records of higher temperature and faster pulse rate.
295. A committee to increase productivity is formed in the maternity hospital.
296. She kept her grocery in two places: the larder in her kitchen and the abdomen of
her husband.
297. One has no problem in picking him out even from a big crowd: his top shines with
eye-catching brilliance.
298. Do Turks eat turkey and do Chileans eat chilli? Are Hungarians always hungry?
Are all Polish people polished?
299. These young men are paid to whistle at my customers when they leave my beauty
parlour.
300. It is rumoured that the concept of 'inertia' was originated by observing people
just like them.
301. They are so prosperous that even the Joneses find it impossible to keep up with
them.
302. If a wrong tooth is extracted, the extraction of the right tooth will be on the
house. But it must be on a one-to-one basis.
303. He is welcome by all barbers because it does not take much time to trim
whatever he has on top.
304. If every dream is a heavenly vision than this school would indeed be a school
of prophets.
305. This shop sells anti-counter-bugging devices. High-technology stuff.
306. He is a nice man when he is sober and nicer when he is drunk.
307. His friendship is as warm as a summer at the North Pole.
308. It seems that the food is intended to be an appetite-killer.
309. This is a new surgical procedure which has never been tried. You are privileged
to be our first victim, ah, I mean casualty. Or sorry, I mean patient.
310. This intelligent lift is a latest model. It can announce not only "Going up."
and "Going down.", but also, when necessary, "Crashing!" and "Fire!"
311. The island is so tiny that the inhabitants have to climb up the coconut trees
twice a day, when the tides are coming in.
312. The hawker centre is so dusty that no pepper seasoning is necessary.
313. These students have Teflon-coated brain. Nothing sticks.
314. In this country all citizens are entitled to be elected to parliament. Serve
them right.
315. He was as thankful as a turkey, owned by an Ameerican vegetarian, on Thanksgiving Day.
316. He is as nervous as a turkey on the morning before Christmas Day.
317. Both heredity and environment have vehemently disclaimed responsibility for
what he is today.
318. The sad part for his family was that he was not always drunk. At times he could
be sober.
319. She took great pleasure in hearing her own voice and was always ready to share
that pleasure.
320. He was always doing the wrong thing. Once he found himself selling cat food in
a dog show.
321. Look at that mongrel! The fellow who introduced its parents to each other must
be a joker.
322. She burnt his pockets and then broke his heart.
323. In this hospital the ratio of medical staff to in-patients is very high. As a
result all inmates receive intensive and hence expensive tender loving cares.
324. I am quite sure that my neighbours upstairs are a herd of African elephants.
They used so much water whenever they bathed.
325. She is so pious and persuasive that even her newly-acquired pet bulldog has been
converted to become a vegetarian.
326 We never intended that this school should have such a high ratio of staff to students
327 Her looks alone are enough to over-qualify her for quite a few occupations.
328. The wealthy man kept complaining that his wealth brought him nothing but misery.
Why does he still hang on to it?
329. If only a fraction of the eulogy was known to the deceased while he was still
alive, he would not have committed suicide.
330. When she is talking, nobody can claim that he is deaf.
331. Is she sexy? Why, when she walked by even my pit bull terrier stared at her in
silence.
332. The administrator is a superb engineer but he does not realize that his
colleagues are not robots.
333. She is very hard to please. Once she even complained that the water in the
swimming pool was too wet to her liking.
334. He is as qualified and useful as a nuclear physicist in the middle of an African
jungle.
335. They like the taste of hot food so much that they even brush their teeth with
chilli-flavoured toothpaste.
336. He had so many gold teeth that after the cremation ritual there was a mad rush by
the mourners for his ash.
337. He is so filthy that he has acquired the nickname "Dirt of Ages".
338. The weather is by no means cold. Why is she chattering all the time?
339. While waiting for their turns in the waiting room, some patients recovered and
some picked up a couple of infections from each other.
340. She failed to get a doctorate at the university but she did manage to get a
doctor.
341. The architect was declared structurally sound by a doctor.
342. We have fewer patients this year. I very much like to attribute this to the
great improvement on the health of the community served so many years by us.
343. The warring parties solemnly pledge that more cease-fire agreements will be
signed in the future when necessary.
344. How could I help but fell in love with her? I could have sworn that she was
your twin sister.
345. She has mastered the art and science of increasing in age without aging.
346. If that is music then what is noise?
347. Don't try to exterminate the termites, ants, woodworms and whatnot in this house
and cause it to collapse. The building is physically supported by all these
creatures.
348. Whenever we were having a conversation, it was seldom necessary for me to open
my mouth.
349. They celebrated the festival with salvo after salvo of gunfire. Some delivered
vertically and others horizontally.
350. The baby has adopted the philosophy that a day without crisis is a crisis to be
avoided at all cost.
351. The wife is obviously pregnant and the husband seems to be likewise.
352. The lady has given birth to a set of quadruplet, not quadruped. Similarly
the other lady has a set of octuplet, not octopus.
353. There is at least one good thing we can say about him: he is sincere.
354. The mixing up of the words "dimples" and "nipples" can have hilarious but
disastrous consequences.
355. The man who used to pass by had a bypass and passed away.
356. If I were to eat all these beans and peas I could have, theoretically,
jet-propelled myself all the way to the rim of the solar system.
357. The patient who was tormented by constipation has diarrhoea. Well, his system
needs the spring cleaning anyway.
358. Dental charges are so expensive. Everyone of my teeth, whether missing or not,
worths more than its weight in gold.
359. The big tummy of the driver may save his life in an accident. It is a natural
air bag.
360. The doctor advised her to either loose weight or gain height.
361. If there is a degree course on the Art of Complaining she is sure to graduate with
a first class honour.
362. This baby happens to believe that daytime starts at midnight and ends at dawn.
363. We all like his lectures. They are physically very refreshing.
364. If stubbornness is a sign of greatness, she is the greatest woman I have ever
known.
365. Sometimes I cannot help but wonder if brain power varies inversely as the
mass of protoplasm.
366. I am such a poor salesman that I cannot even sell water to a millionaire who is
dying of thirst in the middle of Sahara Desert.
367. Arizona Desert is nothing. You should have seen my balcony since my wife took
up cactus growing as a hobby.
368. The mind is not a vessel to be filled, especially if it leaks.
369. She claimed that the thief stole her passport because that was the only way for
him to keep a copy of her photograph.
370. A speeding car with all the breaks not functioning. That is what she is when
she starts talking.
371. I was always apprehensive whenever she watched a medical documentary. Sooner
than later she would surely come up with all the symptoms described in the film.
372. She often dreamed that she was having a nightmare.
373. I read only excerpts of biographies of people who died at an early age.
374. When told to pin a corsage on the guest of honour, she did exactly that.
375. I want to increase my food intake so that I can grow taller. Then I will not be
overweight.
376. We reserve all remarks only for the remarkable.
377. Loss of hearing on the part of the husband can oftenresult in a much happier
marriage relationship.
378. Why was it that the tyres that punctured were always on the side you were sitting?
379. Fortunately there is no weight limit for passengers who travel by plane.
380. The meat is so poorly prepared that even a starving hyena will scoff at it.
381. Anyone who looks for a salt mine should seriously consider exploring the kitchen
in this restaurant.
382. They should put up signs with words like "No Fly Allowed" at this hawker centre.
383. This soup is probably prepared with water taken from the Dead Sea.
384. Are you sure that all these gorgeous bodies are made up of 75 per cent waters?"
385. He is so proud of himself with the little that he knows. It is hard to imagine
what he will be like if he were more educated.
386. The top of his head reminds us of the mountaintop beyond the tree line.
387. A heart patient had reportedly died of shock when he came across a piece of good
news on the front page of a newspaper.
388. She did not know that she was entitled to so many complaints until she started
reading those books on menopause. Since then she had been claiming all her
privileges every day.
389. A dentist was heard saying this to one of his patients: "Lady, try as I may I
can find only one big cavity--your mouth."
390. Her tongue needs no sharpening. Her brain does.
391. The lady teacher declared inadvertently, "I have a heavy period. It is so
exhausting."
392. When are we going to form a S.P.C.H.--Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to
Human?
393. Every husband knows that when his wife says, "I know exactly what to do." It's
time for him to make sure that his life insurance payment is up-to-date.
394. She promised to marry you? Was she short-sighted or simply optimistic?
395. Nowadays any child who is not interested in fast food is suspected of mental
retardation.
396. He is not his normal self lately? That means at last he is normal.
397. If Washington was as honest as the story shows, how was he able to be so
successful in politics later on?
398. To him his girl friends are mere collectibles.
399. Frequent grumbling, regular outbursts of temper tantrums. No wonder many
husbands call their wives 'Old Faithful'.
400. If I were to familiarize myself with all her symptoms, I should be a
gynaecologist long ago.
401. He has been in and out of various hospitals so often that he has already
fulfilled the housemanship requirements for a medical degree.
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402. I must be a good doctor. So far none of my patients has ever lived to complain
about me.
403. The only agreement reached among them was to continue to disagree.
404. The greatest mistake I made every day, and I am still making it, is to get out
of bed.
405. The bride is dumb and the bridegroom is deaf. The couple has a double insurance
for a lifelong happy marriage.
406. Time is so precious that to recuperate on a sickbed is a luxury I cannot afford.
407. He is logical, calculating, extremely efficient and has a phenomenal memory, like
a computer. And just like a computer he is also severely lacking in common sense
and human feelings.
408. There are pots of cacti everywhere in the house except the beds.
409. He put his audience to sleep even when his topic was "The Pleasure of Sex."
410. She can even henpeck her husband who is the most senior judge in the Supreme Court.
411. If Tchaikovsky had seen her, plump but graceful, he would, without doubt, be
inspired to compose instead a ballet entitled "Hippo Lake."
412. He was often found to be concentrating intensely on doing nothing.
413. The lucky boy managed to obtain a scholarship to a well-known and exclusive
reform school.
414. Life with a chatterbox, no matter how soft-spoken she may be, has the same
effect on one's nervous system as living near a big international airport.
415. She thinks that unless she is sleeping she must keep her tongue moving to
maintain her heartbeat.
416. On the kennel of a bulldog was painted the sign: "Beware of My Master".
417. She has a sweet tooth. Her favourite drink is sugar cane juice with honey added.
418. She is as friendly as a hungry tigress with cubs to feed.
419. It is the kind of weather that will bring cheers only to the ducks.
420. Have some sweet. It will greatly improve your personalty.
421. He complained of temporary deafness whenever his wife had an attack of laryngitis.
422. Are the two opera singers singing a duet or a duel?
423. I am getting allergic to her complains of allergies.
424. My wife is doing marketing everyday without having to take any course.
425. People who communicate in sign language whisper by touching each other secretly.
426. She is not too heavy for her height. She is too short for her weight.
427. My bossy boss has been bossing me around.
428. In this ice-cream parlour for dogs the most popular flavour is cat flavour.
429. With strange men she has had few contacts and she is therefore, presumably,
still intact.
430. His blood was so thick that the mosquitos which stung him were choked to death.
431. She is in her forties, looks like someone in her fifties and thinks as one who
is in her twenties.
432. The cattle are ruminating, as if they are chewing gums.
433. Any fisherman whose net is made of the same material as the brains of these
students deserve to starve and will.
434. I always felt sleepy unless I was sleeping.
435. He ate so much bean, onion, garlic and whatnot that, for all practical purposes,
he is a walking, fully-loaded gas tank.
436. Your roommate has eaten a lot of baked bean. You will hear more about it tonight.
437. There may and may not be life after retirement but will there still be retirement
after life?
438. "Give your teeth a treat. Show them to a dentist."
"Give your dentist a treat. Show him your teeth."
439. She sings lullabies to put herself to sleep.
440. That outfit does deduct years from her age if only she does not expose her face.
441. The manual is both comprehensive and incomprehensible.
442. He is in a dilemma. He finds it hard to live with his wife but harder to live
without her.
443. Don't take off that new dress. You will look ten years older.
444. Wherever she went, there was a traffic jam behind her.
445. Your family members had been attending this school for three generations?
You mean the school has never improved all these times?
446. She is not communicable but her sickness is.
447. In this organization, the boss is the only software and all the workers are mere
hardware and peripherals.
448. The husband and wife are not on speaking terms. They only email to each other.
449. The friendly patient even smiled when she was being x-rayed.
450. All the money I have are contingency fund.
451. When a woman goes shopping inside a shoe shop which is having a sale,
eternity begins.
452. Her life-history reads like a medical text.
453. His concept was not well-conceived.
454. This shop runs a thirty-day sale every month.
455. A teacher in this school is not unlike an astronomer who is doing research on
extraterrestrial lives. He looks at the immense starry universe through a
telescope and wonders, "Is there any intelligence out there?"
456. Information and ideas seep through his mind with the speed of water seeping
through rock.
457. If privatization of government departments is such a good idea, why not privatize
the whole government, including the cabinet perhaps?
458. It is obvious to even the most casual observer that she is deeply in love with
herself and only herself.
459. This course is for those who want to learn how to teach parents to know how to
teach their children.
460. When other students are developing artificial intelligence ours are developing
natural stupidity.
461. The whole staff room has a festive atmosphere because the child's parents have
withdrawn him from school.
462. It looks as if some downsizing can do a lot for her and her company.
463. He is so bald that you can almost read his thought.
464. It is praiseworthy that your son can express such self-confidence in spite of his
repeated failures.
465. The student is trying to excel in both literary and marital skill.
466. It is amazing how your kid knows the necessity of standing for his human right at
such a young and tender age.
467. Be sure to tell your dad that he will be spared the pain of buying new textbooks
next year.
468. This is my standardized expression of thanks for favours received from a fair sex:
"Your kindness is exceeded only by your beauty. Your greatest vice is but your
excess of charity."
469. I think your old dress enhances your beauty even more.
470. The first thing that springs to mind when one sees him for the first time is a
two-legged giraffe.
471. Some undertakers give discounts if the deceased is a senior citizen.
472. This country has a very efficient legal system. Whenever there is an accident
you can count on an ambulance to arrive five minutes after a lawyer.
473. She talked fast, like a woodpecker drilling wood for grubs.
474. If the lift is crowded, occupants are advised not to exhale simultaneously.
475. One of the most puzzling mysteries of nature is the deep bond that can be formed
between members of the two species: Homo sapiens and Canis familiaris.
476. Every compliment he receives, no matter how slight, is a flagrant lie.
477. His ears were so big that for a fraction of a second I thought I saw an African
elephant.
478. Sometimes his wife's nagging helped him forget his food and sometimes his food
helped him forget his wife's nagging.
479. Your honour, the members of the jury has only unanimously decided which side
has the better lawyer.
480. If those salesgirls were paid by the pound the boss would have gone bankrupt
long ago.
481. People despise a rich undertaker but not a rich doctor. The former
is the last on the line to receive a check.
482. All his talks are hypnotic and all his singing are lullabies.
483. Her use of perfume made her attractive only to one who was both deaf and blind.
484. The one who invented the art of touching up photographs deserves more than one
Nobel prize.
485. They fought frequently. They were an inseparable couple.
486. He is a well-known liar. Every time he talked we knew that the opposite was true.
487. Her figure is such that only an experienced truck driver should dance with her.
488. In this photograph you looked like one of them. Now you look like two of them.
489. Any man who married her bound to suffer some loss of hearing.
490. No thanks. I do not need a talking dictionary. I already have a talking wife.
491 People who contract influenza are very influential. People who get measles are
miserable. People who have aids need aid. People who suffer from hepatitis are
hyper-pathetic. All these make sense.
492. Most of my friends and classmates have divorced and I am yet to have my first date.
493. She may still be a "miss" but there is nothing amiss in her life of pleasures.
494. Her fingernails may be short but her tongue is long.
495. I have forgotten something important, but I can't remember what is it that I
have forgotten.
496. They are so malnourished that even the worms in their intestines died of
malnutrition.
497. There is no food left. The guests were living vacuum cleaners.
498. You are supposed to interface with the customers, not interfere with them.
499. I cannot comprehend how he can fail to apprehend such a simple fact.
500. He changes girlfriends as frequently as a baby changes diapers.
501. He is so dark and huge that he remains visible for quite a distance even in the
thickest haze.
592. If germ warfare, poisonous gas and nuclear testing can be effectively banned, why not ban
all wars?
503. To make sure that guests do not overstay, offer prizes to all who leave before a
given hour.
504. Since a few students have been expelled, your son's relative position in the
class has improved.
505. If it were not for the other students your son should be the top boy of the
class.
506. It is very probable that your son has great learning potential in one of these
subjects offered by the school.
507. If he were to be the boss of a pharmaceutical company he would not allow any of
its products to be sugar-coated.
508. Some of those who walk their dogs seem to need more exercise than the dogs.
509. The groom looks gloomy and the bride does not look bright.
510. Look at those whiskers and moustache! To kiss him is like kissing a
porcupine!
511. The bad news: there are a few spots on your left lung. The good news:
your right lung is clear.
512. My first good impression of her was followed by a lasting depression because of
my last impression.
513. You do not like his moustache? By sight or by contact?
514. Try to pass your test at least once. The teacher you detest may die of a heart attest.
515. A hug from him is like a hug from a male Kodiak bear.
516. To embrace her is like embracing a sequoia tree.
517. I wonder if she sleep with her mouth shut.
518. How we wish that their parents practise stringent birth control.
519. He is in a painful dilemma: he cannot live without her and he does not know how to
live with her.
520. At the end of this project you will either be extinguished or become
distinguished.
521. The life of a retiree is so enjoyable. I should have retired as soon as I left
college.
522. We are told that water makes up about 75 per cent of our brains. In his case the
percentage must be higher. Much higher in fact.
523. The door to my office is always open, when I am not in.
524. She is a tireless and enthusiastic conversationalist.
525. The boss here is bossy and his secretary does not keep secret.
526. If beauty is in the eye of the beholder she would have great difficulty finding
such an eye.
527. She is not only a talking encyclopedia. She is also a walking pharmacy.
528. I ate so much chicken these few days that I felt like crowing if I got up too
early in the morning.
529. The Miss is a missing link with a missing brain.
530. Her look is her best birth control.
531. Is there anyone among you who is willing and able to prove that too much money is
harmful to me?
532. You are not thinking. You only think that you are thinking.
533 Look at him. Mother nature must have a perverted sense of humour.
534. This student was not taking an examination. He was attempting to rewrite the
course of human history.
535. These are the annals of the royal family, not the "anus".
536. Either her wedding gown or her figure needs to be altered before she approaches
the altar.
537 The couple quarreled over the choice of a marriage counselor.
538 She is a person in whose presence deafness will definitely be a blessing.
539. He is waiting for nature to carry out her death sentence.
540. You are lucky that I do not have a perfect memory about you.
541. He does not need to wear any costume on Halloween night.
542. If everybody is like you all cosmetic companies would have declared bankruptcy. (Two
implications.)
543. After his bathing, the water in the tub can be used as ink.
544. He has skin as thick as the hide of a rhinoceros.
545. I am allergic to health food. They have unhealthy side effects on me.
546. She is opulent and insolent.
547 A German who is suffering from German measles is a miserable German.
548 I am stronger than I was sixty-two years ago. I was a baby then.
549. In this neighbourhood he is known as `the owner of Caesar'. Caesar is his
German shepherd.
550. Her cooking is so bad that even flies refuse to land on it.
551. He is technically very backward. He cannot tell the difference between a remote control and a calculator.
552. The couple was so shy that their first child was born years after their marriage.
553. Whenever she sang, dogs in the neighbourhood howled in unison.
554. To embrace her is like embracing the trunk of a sequoia tree.
555. Saws should have been included among the cutlery when this steak was served.
556. Is this dish cooked with water from the Dead Sea?
557. The best part of Peking Duck is the skin. Is this Peking cow?
558. Are you sure the book the cook used as a receipt book?
559. Do not drop any of these bun on your toes. Orthopedists charge a lot for their services.
560. Does the army use this chili suce as fuel for its rocket?
561. If the cook of this Thai dish is a Thai citizen, he should have his Thai citizenship removed.
562. She is ten per cent good look and ninety per cent good packaging.
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